Defining discipline, sans propaganda

An oft-repeated phrase that emanates from the foghorn of propaganda in defense of shitty parenting is ‘discipline’:  “Children must have a structure that punishes disobedience and rewards obedience; ie train our kids like puppies, except worse because we’ll get thrown in jail for hitting our precious canines 900 times per year.”  Shockingly, parents almost never offer a definition of what is means to have discipline.

My definition of what it means to have discipline is to exercise one’s capacity of deferring immediate gratification in exchange for long-term benefits or moral consistency.  A man who is addicted to alcohol has the capacity to save his long-term physical and emotional health by going into rehab, but lacks discipline because he enjoys the pleasurable and/or numbing effects of alcohol in the short term.  A woman with moral discipline will refrain from hitting her child; even though the action may normalize and forgive the trauma inflicted upon her from a young age, and is legally and socially permissible.

A typical parent’s definition of discipline is an undisciplined act in itself.  Punishing a child when it is dependent upon the parent produces short-term compliance, but triggers feelings of resentment and frustration in the child.  When the child grows to become more independent, punishment becomes increasingly ineffective because the teenager can satisfy its own needs and becomes adept at lying to avoid parental restrictions and controls.  Meanwhile, the feelings of resentment grow as parents either have to escalate threats, or relent, exposing their inconsistency and expedient use of power. 

The term ‘discipline’ is also a dangerous euphemistic umbrella term, which can describe a wide range of parental behavior from severe physical and emotional abuse, to a reasonable and calm lecture.  This is similar to ‘spanking’, which can normalize a smack on the wrist or butt a few times throughout childhood, to a beating with a stick everyday.  While neither is morally justifiable, the latter is sadistic, insane and unforgivable. The former can be forgivable if the parent apologizes, acknowledges the moral wrong, and speaks out against the act with the authority of having the integrity to submit to reason and evidence. 

We understand intuitively that our voluntary relationships are much easier and more fulfilling if we don’t try to control the other person.  We know how condescending and manipulative it would be to tell our best friend to “go to your room and think about what you did” if they upset us.  We also know that we would not have very many friends if we behaved this way, at least not any good ones.

The alternative to punishment is to reason, actively listen, and be honest about how we are feeling with our children.  Be a human being rather than an arbitrary, distant, unfeeling, uncaring authority.  Be a friend first, and a power figure last.  We must end the double standard that allows parents to treat children worse than friends and household pets, because they deserve much better.

The Importance of Community

Over the past month, I have felt more alive, energetic, enthusiastic, and optimistic than ever before in my life.  This feeling is largely due to my participation in the freedomain radio (if you don’t know about it, youtube it), and Bitcoin community.  In these communities – and there is much overlap – I have found some truly amazing people of whom I hope to form lifelong friendships with.  Before I went down this path, I was feeling plenty of anxiety because I knew the importance of having honest, caring, close, motivating friendships, but was not surrounded by many people who fit that criteria.  I can now understand why that anxiety was very healthy. 

Being involved in the Bitcoin community is like being a pioneer in the Wild West, minus all the annoying horse riding and travelling across oceans. I feel like I’m experiencing a true free market for the first time in my life -- not just in currency, but ideas as well.  The buzz of the entrepreneurial spirit is palpable and deeply infectious everywhere Bitcoin-minded people share their thoughts, ideas, and visions for the future.  I truly believe that I’ve learned more from attending the Toronto Bitcoin Expo and meetups at Bitcoin Decentral than my elementary, high school and university education combined.

I feel incredibly lucky to be involved in the fdr (freedomain radio) community.  The most salient message hammered home by Stefan Molyneux – the host – is to understand how early childhood experiences influence your choices and personality, and to critically analyze the parent-child relationship: i.e. parents have full moral responsibility in the relationship, and children have none.   There are very few people on this planet who have the courage to fully embrace the implications of this.  I am in awe of the strength and supportive nature of this community.

Last night, I had the pleasure of experiencing these worlds collide serendipitously.  I was at a Bitcoin meetup at Bitcoin Decentral, and I spoke to the CEO of Prepaid Bitcoin, who sells cards that have Bitcoins on them. They are similar to a Starbucks or Best Buy gift card.  The company website can be found here: https://prepaidbitco.in/#/home. 

I quickly discovered that he is an fdr listener as well, and is raising his five beautiful children peacefully with his wife.  We talked for over an hour about Bitcoin, philosophy, and seemingly everything else important and paradigm shifting.  By the end of the night, he gave me a $10 prepaid Bitcoin card that I promptly donated to freedomain radio.  I thought it was the best thing I could do with the money for the both of us. 

Philosophy, psychology, and Bitcoin:  the triangular fractal destined to save the world.

Deferring gratification

One of the most important skills a human being can learn is deferral of gratification.  We all understand that certain actions do not feel good in the moment, but can give us benefits and satisfaction in the future.  Going to the gym and lifting weights is not fun during the act of exercising for most people, but the health benefits and stress relief it provides make it beneficial in the long run.  The same goes for eating healthy, going to the dentist etc.  However, deferral of gratification is only positive if gratification is being deferred for a purpose that allows for long-term benefits, fulfillment, and a better life altogether. 

It is too often the case in society that we encourage deferral of gratification in exchange for no long-term benefits whatsoever.  In school, students generally seek higher grades not for their personal satisfaction, but in pursuit of approval from authority figures.  Students know if they receive an “insufficient” grade that their parents in most cases will punish them.  Therefore, children work hard to achieve good grades to avoid punishment, and receive external validation of their self-worth.  This system is a great way to set people up for failure.  When people become adults, there is no external authority to tell them what to do and what not to do (hopefully).  There are no tests, no grades, and no teachers; there are no direct, step-by-step directions to achieving success and happiness.  I know I’m feeling some anxiety about what I will do without the structure and grade-oriented nature of school. 

Religion is another way in which people reject feeling good in the moment for no measurable future benefit.  People go to church, sit through long, boring sermons, and bake in stuffy, hot buildings.  In exchange, they avoid an eternity of hell and instead live in a blissful platonic paradise called heaven after they die.  Unfortunately, none of these things exist.

Ideally, of course, we wouldn’t have to defer gratification at all to achieve happiness and fulfillment.  And there are many ways in which we can do things that feel good in the moment, which also have positive benefits for the future.  Playing sports we enjoy, engaging in great conversations, and reading books are all examples of this.  Therefore, the ultimate goal in society is to reduce our need for deferral of gratification, and find ways to achieve happiness that don’t get in the way of immediate pleasure.  The first step towards achieving this goal is to stop doing the insane things that destroy our pleasure in the moment, and do not contribute, or actively stand in the way of our future pleasure.  After we do this, we can make decisions that will most effectively allow us to pursue happiness in the present and future.

Thank you, Joe Rogan

I met Joe Rogan in Toronto after he performed a comedy show last September.  My friend and I waited over an hour in line to get a chance to speak with him and take a picture.  Since I had a very limited time to speak with him, and was not able to communicate all my emotions and gratitude towards him that night, I had to think of the most true and powerful statement I could make in the least amount of words.  I said to him: “you’ve made the world a better place”.  That is the highest compliment I can give to a person, and I feel so happy and satisfied that I was able to communicate that message to him. 

Joe Rogan’s podcast was the first totally uncensored, honest, rational media source that I had ever come across.  His podcasts are usually three hours long, and are an authentic, laid back conversation where virtually every topic you can think of is discussed.  His podcast was like making a bunch of awesome new friends, and came into my life at a time when I didn’t have a lot of people around me that I could be honest with.  It also turned some long, usually boring, car and bus rides into the best times of my life.  The raw masculinity and passion displayed by Joe is so refreshing to me. 

Joe’s podcast, and his life in general have helped inspire me to pursue my passions.  Stand up comedy, commentary for the UFC, and his podcast are the things he loves doing the most, and he makes of living off doing those things.  He never received a university degree (I think) and he has repeatedly said that doing a normal job was not an option for him.  

I feel like I am not destined to have a normal life or job either. 

Ethical leadership,social learning theory, school and parenting

One of the classes that I actually enjoyed during my school career was organizational behavior.  Basically, it involved applying psychology to the organization – be it corporation, non-profit, government organization etc.  I wrote a research paper on ethical leadership and received a perfect grade (whatever that means).  Ethical leadership is the theory that leaders can improve organizational effectiveness by modeling ethical behavior.  This is consistent with social learning theory, which states that people learn and have their behavior inspired by role models.  Thus, effective leaders model openness, two-way communication, honesty, altruism, and empathy for employees.  Since people are motivated to be ethical by positive role models, punishment and harsh negative consequences are not effective ways to improve an organization.  These coercive tactics can only lead to resentment and passive aggressive behavior.

What stuck in my mind taking this class was the degree to which we focus our efforts towards creating a psychologically positive environment for employees, but do the exact opposite for children.  If two-way communication, honesty, and empathy for employees are so important to a healthy organization and society, then why is there so little focus towards improving ethical leadership in parenting?  It is still socially acceptable to hit children, and their preferences are rarely consulted in school or at home.  It is nearly impossible to have positive two-way communication between children and authority figures in public schools.  With a 30-1 teacher-child ratio in classrooms, teachers are too busy managing classroom behavior to establish any understanding for the concerns of all students. 

The reason for this disparity in the treatment of employees vs children has to do with livestock management.  Publicly funded schools must advocate ethical treatment of employees to ensure a productive tax-base.  Children cannot contribute to the tax-base, so the government doesn’t care about their ethical treatment.  In fact, the ethical treatment of children will destroy any possibility for a docile, obedient population.  Thus, if the government were to advocate true ethical leadership in parenting, it would be acting in total self-destruction.