Defining discipline, sans propaganda

An oft-repeated phrase that emanates from the foghorn of propaganda in defense of shitty parenting is ‘discipline’:  “Children must have a structure that punishes disobedience and rewards obedience; ie train our kids like puppies, except worse because we’ll get thrown in jail for hitting our precious canines 900 times per year.”  Shockingly, parents almost never offer a definition of what is means to have discipline.

My definition of what it means to have discipline is to exercise one’s capacity of deferring immediate gratification in exchange for long-term benefits or moral consistency.  A man who is addicted to alcohol has the capacity to save his long-term physical and emotional health by going into rehab, but lacks discipline because he enjoys the pleasurable and/or numbing effects of alcohol in the short term.  A woman with moral discipline will refrain from hitting her child; even though the action may normalize and forgive the trauma inflicted upon her from a young age, and is legally and socially permissible.

A typical parent’s definition of discipline is an undisciplined act in itself.  Punishing a child when it is dependent upon the parent produces short-term compliance, but triggers feelings of resentment and frustration in the child.  When the child grows to become more independent, punishment becomes increasingly ineffective because the teenager can satisfy its own needs and becomes adept at lying to avoid parental restrictions and controls.  Meanwhile, the feelings of resentment grow as parents either have to escalate threats, or relent, exposing their inconsistency and expedient use of power. 

The term ‘discipline’ is also a dangerous euphemistic umbrella term, which can describe a wide range of parental behavior from severe physical and emotional abuse, to a reasonable and calm lecture.  This is similar to ‘spanking’, which can normalize a smack on the wrist or butt a few times throughout childhood, to a beating with a stick everyday.  While neither is morally justifiable, the latter is sadistic, insane and unforgivable. The former can be forgivable if the parent apologizes, acknowledges the moral wrong, and speaks out against the act with the authority of having the integrity to submit to reason and evidence. 

We understand intuitively that our voluntary relationships are much easier and more fulfilling if we don’t try to control the other person.  We know how condescending and manipulative it would be to tell our best friend to “go to your room and think about what you did” if they upset us.  We also know that we would not have very many friends if we behaved this way, at least not any good ones.

The alternative to punishment is to reason, actively listen, and be honest about how we are feeling with our children.  Be a human being rather than an arbitrary, distant, unfeeling, uncaring authority.  Be a friend first, and a power figure last.  We must end the double standard that allows parents to treat children worse than friends and household pets, because they deserve much better.